I'm Very Family Oriented, But I Don't Want Kids

This is technically another segment of "Lessons in my 20's" but labeling it as Part 2 felt like it was too connected to the previous piece. I want each lesson to stand as their own ideas even though the overarching theme is that I'm learning all of these in my last couple years as a twenty year old. So I figured I would include the note here in the body and not in the heading. So anyways, here it is. This is another lesson I learned going through my life in my 20's.

There comes a time in your life when the adults around you start asking you questions regarding your future. Things like "So when are you getting married?" or "do you plan on having kids?" or if they're brazen enough "come meet my son/daughter, I think you'd be a great fit for them and your kids would be so cute!". That last one is wild if you consider the fact that the PARENT is offering their child and the intimate act of having sex with them as a business proposition so that you can pop out cute kids. Crazy. It's usually at around this mark where you begin to seriously consider these questions because although you may give everyone bullshit answer to get them off your back, what DO you really want your future to look like? Single with lots of disposable income? Living together but no kids and only pets? Living together with no pets and no kids? What do you want it to look like?

These were questions that plagued me in my 20's because I tend to overthink things and need everything mapped out before I feel comfortable existing. But then I met my girlfriend, and then I went to college, I got a full time job, I quit full time job, I experienced America as an adult, and all these things shifted my focus and helped make clear what it is my future will look like. One thing that hasn't changed since I left Malaysia was the fact that I knew I wanted all members of my family to live together in my general vicinity. We don't need to live within the same house but at the very least in the same neighborhood or city. I have found over the last 10 years since I've left, that this sentiment has remained the same much to my pleasure. But one thing that has changed is how I personally felt about raising children.

If you had asked me when I was 18, early 20's or even in my mid 20's I would've told you that I wanted a huge family. Five to six kids all pretty close in age so that when they got older and found partners every Chinese New Year would be loud and boisterous and lively, just like it was when I was a kid. And to be completely honest this dream of mine still exists, but only as that, a dream. What changed for me over the years was a multitude of things ranging from climate change, to personal mental health. Let's go over them.

Climate Change

One of the biggest things that anyone will tell you has been year over year on the news in come capacity is climate change. Weather patterns today are no longer the same as they were 10, 20 years ago. All signs point largely to climate change. Changing weather patterns aren't even the biggest problem, seas are rising, summers are fucking hot, winters, are basically spring time, places are receiving way too much rain or none at all and it's all a fucking die roll to see which one you get this year. The problem is, all of this is or was reversible. If the human population had been able to all get together as a single unit sharing resources and working together, climate change was 100% reversible (according to science people, I'm not a science people so don't come at me) but with each new study being done about climate change we are expediting how much time we have left to reverse this shit. At this point we might even be too late, period. And how many of us give a shit? Very few people. And THAT is what worries me.

I would love to have kids, they're so fulfilling and give people a sense of purpose and they're just really cool to see go from small human to big human. But what I can't personally bring myself to do, is to raise a child from child to adult and within the next 100 years have them all have to go through the after effects of irreversible climate change. It just feels incredibly cruel to me. Not only did they not ask to be produced, they are also going to be the ones that have to deal with all the terrible decisions we've made thus far. Just doesn't seem fair, and this is a sentiment I have shared with anybody that has asked me this question. I think it's concerning to me if you completely disregard this as a new parent. Not trying to be all apocalyptic and shit but global warming will affect a lot of things that will damage the quality of life we have currently and we are already feeling some effects of it. So that is something that worries me a lot.

It's not you, It's Me

Not everyone will make good parents, take me for example. I'm not the greatest at communicating, I'll come right out and say it. When it comes down to difficult conversations I've a hard time expressing my emotions in a clear and constructive way. With the inclusion of my ADHD I also am very bad at emotional regulation and can have very sharp emotional swings in certain situations. When I grew up, my parents hit us a lot, mostly with rubber canes and it was always used as a punishment tool and it never veered too close to abuse. If you grew up in an asian household chances are this is relatable. But this has caused me to respond also in the same way. Out of instinct, and to a certain extent of my personal belief, I also think that some solutions can be solved with physical punishment. Learning from Amy I understand that there are much safer ways of communicating with a child than with physical violence but for me it's always an option.

This coupled with other things I don't have time to get into has led me to believe that I would make for a very traumatic parent. I would have a hard time communicating with my child effectively and could potentially ruin my child more than build them up. There are too many people, in my opinion, that want and will have kids when they themselves are just much of a wreck and should not be anywhere near having kids. But alas there is no way to prevent such things from happening. People have sex all the time and children can come even from people that don't want kids. I think the important thing is to know what your flaws are and be completely honest with yourself about them. Because having kids isn't sometime you can just take backsies. You're ruining their lives just as much as you are ruining yours. It would make you an incredibly selfish person if you deemed that as not important. I don't want to shame anyone but to me this reason is incredibly important so I don't take it lightly.

America

There's way more reasons but I feel I have rambled long enough so I will save this one for last. There are a lot of other countries that better suited and have laws that cater towards increasing childbirth and protect the mothers to give them the best chance at raising their kids. These are all fantastic and should be imitated by the rest of the world. Unfortunately, America is not one of them. America is ranked one of the worst countries for maternity leave and the protection around it. While not exclusive to America, racism towards people of color has never been more openly prevalent. We are probably one of the countries with the highest obesity rates, and our nation is divided as fuck.

Not limited to America but probably still pretty bad is that it's insanely expensive to raise children. If I'm bringing a kid into this world I would want to give them everything the world has to offer. And if two people running full time jobs still can barely scrap by in California there is no way they will be able to also afford a comfortable life for their child. Taking into consideration healthcare, diapers, food, and education, a couple can anticipate spending, over the course of many years, upwards of hundreds of thousands of dollars maybe even closer to a million. It's just flat out expensive to raise children and that's okay if what we are providing them is top tier care and lifestyle but sometimes this is just the bare minimum of what they need and sometimes its still not enough.

Conclusion

If you couple this with all the other reasons I've mentioned it makes one very depressed and not motivated to have kids. There are lots of countries right now that are facing this very problem. Low birth rates coupled with high mortality rates make for a declining population which will ultimately affect the growth of a country. This sounds terrible but you must also remember if all you're going to be able to do is bring about another shitty human being to eventually run the world, is that really the better alternative? I think if we want the best for our kids, it's imperative we take care of the problems we have now and then start reproducing to keep the population line positive. We have so many problems we are not taking care of and so many issues are getting swept under the rug for "someone else" to take care of. MF, thats our kids!

These are some of the reasons why my views on raising children and being family oriented has changed. I'm not telling anyone to have or not have kids, like I've said before, that is your prerogative. I think all I can really ask of new parents is to consider whether or not this is something they can do successfully and if not, find ways to fix the issue if it's really that deep. Otherwise you are doing more harm than good. Again none of what I said has been researched, I exclusively talk out of my ass. Do your own research and feel free to argue with me in the comments. As always I love you guys and thank you so much for reading this piece of shit article filled with some nobodies opinion that he holds as facts. If you found this helpful let me know, I'd love to hear what feedback you have and if they suck I'll tell you.

In the Trenches,

Alex